This is a huge step for me to start a journal. I have resisted in the past because I am a very private person and am afraid of ridicule. I am now going to be accountable to others besides myself. Im struggling with being honest with myself, so Im going to be honest here. I was a funded trader with TopStep for a very brief period of time. I didnt break any of the funded trader rules, but I felt myself struggling and asked to be moved back to a combine to get confidence and control back. I failed and have been failing ever since.
I was funded by passing a 50K combine. I struggle with making a lot of money, then giving it all back, then making it, giving it back, etc. John Hoagland, whom I consider my friend and mentor, told me to cut my loss limit in half from $1000 to $500. I did that for a little while and was doing very well, but I keep sabotaging myself. I believe this boils down to mainly a self-worth issue, but Ill get into that in a minute. I am starting a 30K combine tomorrow for a variety of reasons, and Ill list those below. Its long, but its more for my benefit than anything.
1. I have never done a 30K combine. The main reason I have stuck with 50K combines is because I felt I needed the wiggle room of a $1000 loss limit. This is too much wiggle room for me, because I abuse it. I apparently cant keep Hoags rule on my own, so I am forcing it by doing a 30K combine with a $500 loss limit. I have not earned the right to have the rope of a $1000 loss limit. I cannot be trusted with much until I can be trusted with little.
2. $1500 profit target versus $3000 profit target for 50K. In a 50K combine, 30 ticks per day is what I would need in order to finish a combine in 10 days, even more than that if I have any losing days. In a 30K combine, I only need 15 ticks per day, which to me is very doable, even if I have losing days. I dont know why $3000 is so overwhelming to me, even though I passed my funded combine with much more profit than this. I'm doing a continuous combine, so it shouldn't matter anyway, but somehow it does to me.
3. $1500 max drawdown versus $3000. With a $500 loss limit, it would take 3 full losing days in a row to reach this versus 2 full losing days in a row with a $1000 loss limit, and Ive already established that I lack the discipline to stop at $500 on my own. Harsh but true.
4. I am going to be charged this week for the continuous combine monthly fee as well as the restart fee, so I may as well start a 30K with only the startup fee.
5. A good trade for me is at least 10-20 ticks. I only need 1 good trade a day, although typically I take many more than that. In a 50K combine, I need at least 2-3. Again, this is not normally a problem for me, but psychologically it affects me. On my best days, I have a no trades today mindset. I sit down at my computer and tell myself Im not taking any trades, Im merely an observer. I'm relaxed, I'm focused, and I'm having fun. Then a trade(s) will come along that causes me to not be able to sit on my hands and I can't get my hand on the mouse fast enough. That's the one that's golden for me. When I get out of this mindset, I fail due to overtrading among other reasons. I believe this will allow me to better stick with that mindset.
6. I have drained myself of emotional capital and need a change. This physical change forces me into a psychological change, ultimately leading to better habits.
7. The max position size is 3 lots versus 5. Again, I have not earned the rope to trade 5, and when I freak out and go on tilt, Ill throw on 5. This is ridiculous. I need not go over 1-2, because I have not earned that right.
8. The profit target of $1500 will eliminate many of the mediocre trades I take due to attempting to reach the profit target. I will have no reason to take mediocre trades, because the new profit target is (or has been in the past) easily achievable for me. FOMO is one of my overwhelming issues, and this fear will be greatly minimized, because …