The purpose of this journal is for me to keep track of my behavior during trading. I have fallen into a rut after having no progress after 3 years. My determination for refinement and perfection has burnt off after ceaseless tries to improve my results have failed due to having strong anxiety interfering with my trading decisions. I had a psychotic break in may where I had a lot of intense fear crop up it was a very very intense experience. Following this experience I am able to be in public without anxiety anymore and I experience far less tension during trading. For this reason I am making a serious effort to get funded again with tst. For over a year I have been putting in minimal effort because I concluded without anything fundamental changing with my psychology there was nothing I could do strategy wise that could improve my performance and everything I did to manage my anxiety failed. I think it was a fair conclusion that saved me quite a bit of money.
What is left now, is that I have no confidence in my trading abilities. I am still impulsive, impatient, and my drive to perform puts me into shitty positions. My recent attempts at getting funded have not been met with much success other than completing TST stage 1 which is not hard all you need is 1-2 good trades with size.
I have not been preparing myself premarket. I dont have strategy. I chase the market. Im not 1/10 the trader I used to be. I completely burnt out and have stopped trying. In my good days without my anxiety I would kill the markets but inevitably give it back on the days anxiety and fear interfered with my decisions. Somehow, I cant give up on trading. So I am giving it a final shot, I think. My ultimate goal is complete freedom over my life and I cant think of any profession that supports that better.
Instruments I am looking at now are GC and CL because I far prefer volatile markets. I was not prepared for August now I know to expect slow markets during august when the big traders are off on holiday.