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Not really even awake yet. Living on Denver time last night. And had this thought. I did not think of in these terms until this morning.
I am disappointed, because somewhere inside me, I have the expectation that trading should return the money I lost years ago in the same amount of time as I lost it.
The speed it was lost in was related to 1) my lack of understanding, 2) greed, 3) fear, 4) a specific time of extreme volatility, and 5) over-leverage.
In my mind, with what I know today, the manifestation of that underlying expectation cannot be achieved while trading correctly. And so it feels slow, and frustrating some days.
I want to increase size whether I like it or not. And pushing myself is not the right direction, it takes away the state of mind required.
It seems so obvious as I type it. Took me years to think it.
Crude is not out of the woods yet. I started the day long, then with heavy divergence and no follow through switched to short for a break below where buyers caught this morning.
Don't mean to interrupt--just a hello from a kindred spirit to say reading your journal has illuminated a few things for me. I started trading in earnest (24/7 compulsion) a few years ago after I flamed out as an executive in a couple of high tech startups that crashed in the 2008 downturn that I didn't see coming, at an age most people apparently find it difficult to re-enter the workforce, pretty much everything I had gone virtually overnight, future clouded by the fact it was likely too late to rebuild even if I had the wherewithal. Now a long-haired, long-bearded hermit surrounded by a supportive family, in my case short time frame spot currency probably appeals because it seems to offer the fewest clues & least promise of any instrument about what's going to happen next. Thanks.
There are two things going on simultaneously. One has to do with trading, the other doesn't.
My trading skill level far surpasses anything I ever thought I would accomplish. My comfort with what happened to me in life still needs some work. The drive that allowed me to study 24/7, the tenacity that caused me to put so much into, could be considered a good energy... it was years ago.
The first time someone posted a movie reference here, I just laughed it off. Sure, I saw the analogy, but this trading thing was far too serious to gain anything from that. But here is another shot at a Star wars reference; When the "force" is strong, aka willpower, dedication, determination, tenacity... it is easily susceptible to falling to the "dark side". The motivation starts to come from a bad place. It is the same energy, but when rooted improperly can be a tough ride.
I am currently spending more time focusing on finding myself outside of trading. Re-connecting with friends, exploring new hobbies. It does not come easily when we carry a grudge. Getting out and doing something fun can seem more like work. When we feel time is against us, who has time for such silliness...
But there comes a time when all the study in the world doesn't matter. Our destiny lies not so much in what we accomplish, but how we view ourselves and the world around us.
My first year in business, I was so proud to be making a profit at all. I viewed things as great. The first time I played a song on the guitar, it felt really good to think, "wow, that sounds just like the song" (even though, no, it didn't .
That feeling motivates us to continue. That is the good energy.
Appreciate the small victories again. That's my advice to both of us. Life is how we view it.