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Woke up early this morning and couldn't get back to sleep. Stressful dreams that led to relief when I woke up, but not enough relief to get back to sleep. Just the way it goes sometimes.
I watched MES for a little bit this morning but called it around 10:00 AM. I'm thankful that the market behaved in a way that I've needed clarity on. Gained some needed perspective.
Some Goals:
Actively love and accept those around me as unconditionally as possible.
Give others grace because everyone makes mistakes.
"Think lightly of yourself and deeply of the world." - Miyamoto Musashi
Drink water to feel full instead of getting seconds, and instead of late-night snacking.
Talk about myself less, and actively listen to others more.
I don't think I'll trade today. I'm going to start trading Live soon. I haven't decided if I'll start this week, or if I'll wait until the new year. I went back and forth with the pros and cons of sharing what my account balance will be but decided against it. In relative terms it's very small. My main concern with sharing the balance is that if I succeed, newer traders with less experience and who also have small accounts might be like, "he did, so I can do it!" That would technically be true in my opinion (see The Turtles), but, a lot of work has gone into getting to where I am right now, and where I'll be in the coming months. It hasn't been an easy process, and it will take time to build up the trading account. IF I succeed.
As a discretionary trader, my job is to become the machine. I am the system. If my "components" get messed up, that's going to show up in my trading performance. Discretionary trading is very hard. Imagine if your laptop had emotions. Maybe you need to check an important email, only to find out that your laptop is too depressed to boot up (shoutout to Marvin the Paranoid Android). Emotional, mental, and physical balance, at least for me, are necessary, and it's really hard to keep everything even keeled sometimes.
I'm at a point in my life where I need things to change. It's a dangerous place to be in when it comes to trading, because if that feeling (and feelings like it) are left unchecked, they can cloud my judgement and make it easier to take suboptimal trades. Emotionally and mentally, I feel like I'm in a place where I can keep that particular feeling in check. My trading results will either confirm or deny my perspective.
For the last year(?) I've had three interests, in this order: Trading, playing guitar, video games. There have been times where guitar and video games took a backseat, and there were times when they weren't even in the car. It's too much. I just want a resolution (succeed or fail), and each day I'm caring less about which direction it takes. If I don't succeed, I'll get a job that pays regularly, and trading will become a hobby of swinging at pitches on the Daily chart. For the last two years, my self has felt like it's been in a near-constant state of change. I'm tired, and I need some time to catch my breath and heal. On the other hand, If I do succeed, then 2024 is going to be a very busy year. The healing will still be possible, and I'll probably just keep my head down and work (trade) for a while. I feel like getting lost in a task can almost be meditative sometimes.
My ultimate goal for trading, as far as the career aspect goes, but not necessarily as my ultimate goal/motivation, has been to become a Market Wizard. Settling for anything less just doesn't work for me. Succeed or fail, it's been an experience.
Began trading Live today. Loss of ($9.98) for the day, spread out over two trades. I was on tilt pretty good after the second trade, and I knew that I couldn't keep trading because it was pretty much inevitable that I'd revenge trade or make some other mistake. Que the internal debate about why it was and was not okay to keep trading. Reason won out, and I decided to step away, make a snack, and come back to the screen to just watch the market without participating. Just watch and learn if there's something to learn.
I realized that I'd neglected to check my higher timeframes earlier this morning to see what the market was doing. Trending up, down, or sideways. MES was trending downward this morning in my opinion, so I should have had a bearish bias until there was evidence that sellers had run out of steam. My goal is to follow the larger crowd(s), which means that I can't just focus on my lower timeframes. I need to go with the flow, and the flow is determined above not below. Below are the currents, which are useful for timing. Above is the direction, which is needed for navigating.
Playing piano again. Expression through music is therapeutic for me, and it's nice being able to play the treble instead of having to sing it, which I have to do when I play the guitar. I also finished Terry Crews' book Manhood, which is an awesome book, and inspirational. That guy is a huge role model for me.
One trade this morning. Covered my losses from the other day, which feels nice.
Started reading Viktor Frankl's Man's Search For Meaning. It's heartbreaking in parts, and I'm thankful that he had the courage to write about his experiences and observations.
Edit: Just realized that I'd gotten some emails from AMP about CQG acting weird earlier this morning. I guess I got lucky with my trade working out. I hope CQG's technical problems didn't put anybody in a bind.
2023 was a difficult year in many ways, but I feel like it served as a sort of laying-the-foundation period for the future. One of my struggles was getting to a point where I cared less about what other people thought or felt about me. The truth is, regardless of what you do or how you act, some people just aren't going to like you. That's just how it is, and it's totally okay. There are aspects of myself that I like now, and that's enough. It's nice not to have the inner shame dialogue on blast anymore, and instead have what I think is a healthier self-perspective and conscience. We're all imperfect, and we all make mistakes. A little grace and mercy go a long way.
I'm looking forward to 2024, and to life in general moving forward. I still have down days, but it's easier to recover and not get looped into downward spirals. I'm looking forward to righting as many of my wrongs as I can and working towards a better future for my loved ones. I am truly blessed to have such compassionate, wise, and loving people in my life, and I'm committed to reciprocating those qualities as best I can, one day at a time.
I hope it isn't inappropriate that I've been personal (sometimes really personal) with some of my journal posts. I know that the intended purpose of these journals is for trading-related stuff. It's been helpful to just get some stuff out, and not have to carry it around by myself anymore, but at the same time it does feel wrong to just dump heavy things onto people. Perhaps that stuff would be more suitable for therapy, or a more private journal, than an online finance forum.
Loss of ($22.45) today. Not thrilled with my performance, as I was too wishy-washy with making decisions. Entered a trade again even though I'd told myself that I wouldn't. Whoops. Today I went on tilt and didn't step away from trading like I should have. Whoops No. 2.
